The glorious god of cured meat has bestowed upon us a new bacon-only bakery, aptly named The Baconery. Among the sweet, sweet offerings, we found their Bacon Pumpkin Spice Muffins ($22/6-pack) and Bacon Blueberry Muffins ($22/6-pack) to be the first things added to our cart. We've yet to taste the creations, but we're seriously doubting there's any way to screw up such a thing as these swine-y breakfast cupcakes.
Treat yourself to a Father's Day sweet that won't make you look like a sissy with this Smokey Bacon Maple Bar Cake ($35). Measuring 14" x 10" and serving up to 12 people, this delicious blend of fresh raised dough, maple, and bacon can, alas, only be ordered from Frost Doughnuts, which pretty much limits this one to those in the Seattle area. Although if you ask your significant other really nicely perhaps you can score a homemade version this Sunday.
Having conquered and bacon-ified nearly every other condiment imaginable, lords of the cured pork J&D's have turned their sights to a longtime grillmaster favorite: the dry rub. Bacon Rub ($6) allows you to give nearly any meat a bacon-wrapped flavor simply by rubbing in this mix of herbs, spices, and brown sugar, while keeping your health in check thanks to its all-natural, Kosher- and vegetarian friendly, zero fat credentials. Conveniently packaged in a 5.2oz jar, which might just last you all the way through summer.
As absurd as it sounds, we're not really surprised. Bacon Cologne ($36) includes just a hint of bacon essence in its Gold (citrus) and Classic (spicy maple) fragrances to give you all the allure of a cooked hog. It was bound to happen.
Yup, you read that right. Bacon Toothpaste ($5) is a teeth-cleaning paste flavored like a delicious piece of fried bacon. It's probably not FDA-approved, and we have serious doubts that it'll leave you with fresh breath, but if you're considering using this, you probably don't care.
Craving something crunchy, chocolatey, savory, and sweet? Chow down on some Sir Francis Bacon Chocolate Peanut Brittle ($18-$20). These bars are delectable bits of milk chocolate poured over brittle made from artisan smoked bacon and USA-grown peanuts, resulting in a flavor explosion of epic proportions that not even the father of the scientific method could explain.
It's not quite the Bacon of the Month Club, but it's getting there. Savenor's Bacon Society ($10 and up) lets you hand-pick what months and what meats you'll get — including peppered, neuskies, canadian, duck, and applewood bacon, smoked wild boar, and smoked pork chops — delivered straight to your door from Boston's legendary meat shop.
Turn any drink into a bacon-flavored treat with these Effervescent Bacon Drink Tablets ($4). Arriving in an handy portable tin, these wonderous cousins of Alka-Seltzer start dissolving the second you drop them into a glass of water, juice, soda, booze, or milk (gross), filling your goblet with the succulent flavor of bacon. Also great as a stocking stuffer, or for freaking out your vegetarian friends.
Peanut butter and bacon, inside a milk chocolate cup? Exactly. Peanut Butter Bacon Cups ($13) best Reese's sweet snack by using all natural peanut butter and adding in the secret ingredient of applewood smoken bacon pieces, then making the whole thing supersized at four-inches across to feed even the hungriest of pork aficionados.
Wash down your bacon with bacon. Like a refreshing liquid pork god sent down directly into your mouth, Bacon Soda ($10) is everything you need as part of a complete breakfast. Made by the Frankenstein-flavor geniuses at the Jones Soda Company, the salty soda comes in a gift pack with a bag of J&D's Cheddar BaconPop bacon and cheddar flavored popcorn, J&D's Bacon Lip Balm, and a package of J&D's Bacon Gravy (!).
Yes, it's true: there really is a bacon product we haven't covered. Yet. Chocolate Covered Bacon ($9) is a sweet and savory treat made from crispy cooked, hickory smoked bacon that's been covered in a special blend of chocolate courtesy of the Marini family. It's also available for order in a Dark Chocolate version, and if you happen to be in downtown Santa Cruz, stop by Marini's shop for a taste of the chocolate-covered bacon mixed in with maple syrup ice cream, or as they like to call it, "Vegan's Nightmare."
Even if you don't have time to cook, you can still start your day the proper way with a cup of Maple Bacon Coffee ($8). Imbued with maple, bacon, and (obviously) coffee flavors, this unique roast isn't the boldest or darkest around, but it is the only one that will give you all the flavors of a proper breakfast without having to eat one. [Thanks, Derrick]
If you're thinking this is some highly processed, find-it-at-7-Eleven sort of snack, think again. Bacon Moon Pies ($33/4 pies) are expertly produced savory treats made using high-quality bacon sourced from CA to create a traditional Scottish shortbread with rice flour, bacon fat and bacon cracklin. In between is a marshmallow made from Vermont maple syrup and high-quality bourbon, along with a bacon fat and cracklin caramel, all of which gets encased in 72% dark chocolate. Just try not to eat all four in one sitting, lest you literally begin to embody the phrase "you are what you eat."
No, that's not a euphemism for your expanding, bacon-filled waistline, nor a pork-fueled early morning blowout on the porcelain. Instead, the Bacon Explosion ($30) is something much worse — yet so much better at the same time. Simply put, it's a bacon-stuffed, bacon-wrapped Italian sausage, covered in Kansas City-style barbecue sauce and rub, and cooked to perfection before being shipped straight to your door. If that sounds like too little work for you, full instructions are available online, that call for no less than four pounds of pig. Enjoy. [Thanks, Jason]
That's right, not even the capsaicin-obsessed world of hot sauces is safe from the world-dominating power of pork. Bacon Hot Sauce ($6) melds the spicy red stuff with smoky bacon flavor, making it perfect for use on eggs, in salsas, chili, and bloody marys, especially when they're made with Bakon Vodka.
Need something to wash down that breakfast of Canned Bacon and english muffin with Bacon Jam? How about some bacon-flavored coffee? Torani Bacon Syrup ($7) is a sweet, smoky, salty syrup that can be used in everything from milkshakes to manhattans to give each drink a little pork. For the truly bold, mix with Bakon Vodka for a drink only a fast-food executive could love. [Thanks, Yama | via]
Made with bacon, peanuts, maple syrup, spices, and herbs, Bacon Peanut Brittles ($17/3-pack) are the latest pork-infused addition to the Uncrate break room. Salty, smoky, and delicious, they're great for snacking, and may cause a minor disturbance if left out at your next gathering.
We now present the shortest Uncrate post in history: Bacon Flavored Toothpicks ($4/80-pack). Not much else to say, is there? [Thanks, Ethan]
No, that's not a typo. Bakon Vodka ($30) is a new premium-quality potato vodka infused with a savory bacon flavor. Distilled from Idaho potatoes and possessing a perfect hint of peppery bacon flavor. Great in a bloody mary, good when paired with scotch, not so hot in a white russian — unless you like the way they taste on the way back up — but what we really, really want is a recipe for a bacon cheeseburger. [Thanks, Everyone]