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Jack Black Mr. Fix It Antimicrobial Wound Rescue

Avoid infection, disease, and nasty-ass boils with Jack Black Mr. Fix It Antimicrobial Wound Rescue. This petrolatum-free antimicrobial gel employs the benefits of silver to quickly absorb into and help heal scrapes, cuts, and burns, and halt the growth of MRSA, E coli, staphylococcus, and other nasty germs and bacteria.

  • J&D's Baconlube

    Nope, that's not a typo, nor is it a joke. J&D's Baconlube ($12) is a water-based massage oil and personal lubricant that tastes like the fried pork product we all know and love. "It's like the McRib of sex", say the creators. "It's delicious, makes men crazy, is here for a limited time and is in short supply." It's also either naughty but tolerable or straight-up disgusting. We'll leave it up to you to decide.

  • Zeo Sleep Manager

    Trips to the sleep clinic are expensive. The Zeo Sleep Manager ($100) is not. This sophisticated system consists of a sensor headband that tracks your actual sleep stages through the night and an iOS app that sorts through all the data, providing you with colorful, easily digestible charts and pointers on how you can enjoy more restful sleep. Oh, and it also functions as an alarm, waking you up at the optimal point in your sleep cycle. Zeo: because your smartphone didn't know enough about you already.