Chiefs Energizing Face Wash & Alarm App

Give yourself an extra boost out of bed and help take care of your face at the same time with Chiefs Energizing Face Wash & Alarm App ($17). The face wash is specially formulated to help wake you up with an ingredient list that includes ginseng, menthol, peppermint, eucalyptus, and rosemary. It works in conjunction with the Alarm Clock App for Android, which wakes you up with one of a variety of sounds — or one of your own choosing — and can only be turned off by scanning the bar code on the back of the face wash, giving you extra motivation to leave the warm, fluffy fortress of your bed and step into the cold hard reality of morning.

Ink Butter

You paid plenty to get your ink done in a reputable shop, so why aren't you spending a minimal amount to make sure it stays in tip-top shape? Ink Butter ($18) is specially formulated to heal your tattoo and nourish your skin, with essential minerals, vitamins and antioxidants. Unless, of course, you were going for the aging sailor look.

Duke Cannon Big Ass Soap Brick

Yes, it's a ridiculous name, but in this modern age of supposedly chick-attracting body wash, a slap in face with a Big Ass Brick is just what some guys need. Based on the rough, "brick"-style of soap used by GIs during the Korean War, and manufactured in the same plant that provided that soap for over 20 years, the Duke Cannon Big Ass Soap Brick ($5) is three times the size of most soap, with steel cut grain for gripability, and a cool army green color.

Allsorts Liquor Scented Soap

Typically we use soap to try and remove the scent of booze from our person, but Allsorts Liquor Scented Soap ($5) embraces it by covering you in a booze-scented lather that'll have you yearning for a drink before you even step out of the shower. Both organic and vegan-friendly, these responsibly-produced bars come in scents like gin and tonic, whiskey sour, screwdriver, and prohibition spiced rum, and feature an adventure suggestion from Chicago's prohibition era printed on the wrapper.

Behold the awesome old school goodness of these vintage-printed, buttery-soft Homage T-Shirts. They turn back the clock with shout outs to eclectic moments and personalities in sports, music, politics and popular culture. From Bruce Lee to Larry Bird, the tees tell stories of triumph, individualism and hustle. Pay Homage.

Fight Club Soap

Get yourself clean Tyler Durden-style with Fight Club Soap ($20). Inspired by Chuck Palahniuk's novel and sporting the logo of the film adaptation, this caffeinated, color-matched pink soap is completely usable, although that kind of defeats the point.

Nivea Eye Roller Gel

Whether you're working or boozing late into the night, odds are you're going to wake up looking like Uncle Fester — at least around the eyes (the bald head is reserved for those with really dick friends). Nivea Eye Roller Gel ($9) is here to help you combat this condition. Harnessing the benefits of your skin's own Coenzyme Q10, which helps produce energy and works as an antioxidant to defend against free radicals, this gel glides on smoothly thanks to a rolling metal ball applicator, leaving you looking as fresh as those pantywaists that went to bed before last call.

Old Spice Fresh Collection

The new Old Spice Fresh Collection ($5) at first seems a bit odd (who really wants to smell like "well-known lands" from across the globe?), but these subtle-scented antiperspirant/deodorants are indeed worthy of their worldliness. The destination-inspired, light-yet-manly scents include (in our rank of freshershist to fresh): Matterhorn ("smells like ice, wind & freedom"), Denali ("smells like wilderness, open air & freedom"), Cyprus ("smells like limes, an ocean breeze & freedom"), and Fiji ("smells like palm trees, sunshine & freedom"). Do your armpits a favor and introduce them to the world.

On The Job Hand Regimen

No matter how hard we try, we're still guys, and we tend not to take care of our hands as much as our partners would prefer. On The Job Hand Regimen ($19) does the hard work for you, with a waterless Hand Cleaner that removes dirt, paint, grease, and other nasty stuff by getting in between the dirt and your skin, a tough Hand Armor that forms a breathable polymer glove over your skin to help make cleanup even easier, and a dual-action Hand Lotion that packs a first-aid antiseptic and penetrating moisturizers to leave your hands feeling as soft as they should.

Bread & Butter Skincare Kit

Keep clean and looking good while being your old, lazy self. Bread & Butter Skincare ($85) sends you a Winter Kit with all your bathroom essentials as soon as you place your order, and then in the first week of June, they'll send you their Summer Kit with warm weather specific face stuff. The winter kit includes two tubes of daily face cleanser, two tubes of daily face moisturizer, a stick of daily lip balm, and a sample of daily body moisturizer, while the summer kit comes with two tubes of daily face cleanser, two tubes of daily SPF face moisturizer, and a sample of daily shave gel.

Rosebud Salve

Care for your dry lips, skin, and the occasional burn with Rosebud Salve ($6). Made from cotton seed oil, aromol, and essential oils blended into a special petroleum base, this reddish salve helps sooth dry lips, can condition and moisturize dry, cracking elbows and knees, and as an added bonus also doubles — or is that triples? — as a diaper rash remedy.

Moustache Bandages

Even the most sedentary and careful get the occasional nick or cut, so why not make the most of it with these Moustache Bandages ($7). Made from a mix of vinyl and latex, this tin of 25 bandages features a moustache graphic atop each and every one, making for some awesome wound dressings.

Bacon Soap

We love bacon, and we've seen everything from Canned Bacon to Baconnaise, Bacon Salt, Bacon Floss — hell, even Bacon Lip Balm — so it was only a matter of time before we discovered Bacon Soap ($6). Made to both look and smell like frying bacon, this soap will get you clean while giving your appetite a jump-start on the day.